Healing Relationships: Marriage and Finances - Don't Let Money ...

Hello, this is Roland. With the current financial crisis, I decided to republish my classic chapter on dealing with financial difficulties here. The reason? Because we often fight over money. Frankly, the money is often not the main issue (it is a substitute for what is really going on). Nevertheless, finances in marriage are an issue. So regardless of what you are arguing about, and whether or not it involves money--there are some good (tough love) principles here. We all need to be reminded that the best things in life are not things. Your friend and champion of reconciliation, Roland

Don't Let Financial Problems Harm Your Marriage

Financial crisis does not have to lead to family crisis. Economic troubles don't have to result in relationship or health problems.
You can still be reasonably happy, healthy, loving, and cheerful in spite of external circumstances.

We all know this at some level. We have all heard that money can't buy you happiness. We've all seen families who have very little, but who have a lot of love. We've seen great men and women come out of poverty.

Many of us who are a bit older remember when we were young newlyweds, for example, and had nothing but a one room apartment, a lamp, and some boxes to sit on. We remember that we were happy, much happier than years later when we had many material possessions.

Some of us have experienced getting what we wanted, having our heart's desire and yet feeling miserable and unfulfilled.

Editor's Note: This is an excerpt from Roland's book Marriage Matters: lessons from the past, hope for the future

Preview and read the whole book online now for $1 (that's right - one dollar)

So if you know this, why do you get upset, worried, distraught, and begin to have a churning stomach when you can't pay all your bills or lose your job?

The reason why is both simple and profound. First the simple sound byte version: you've permitted yourself to become upset over trivial issues. Thus you indulged emotions, and now when the bigger issues arrive, you are easily thrown out of control. How can you remain calm in big troubles when you allow yourself to get upset by the little ones?

The simple answer is this: start to exercise what character you have left. Have some discipline. Be a man. Be a woman. Set a good example for your kids. Don't indulge worry, doubts, and fears. Never take counsel of your fears, as a great general once said. Be patient. Remember: this to shall pass. Get busy, do something: go for a walk. Help someone. Look for work. Volunteer. Forget self.?

Pay special attention to and beware of anger, which makes you wrong and guilty, and which conditions you to be reactive and out of control. See how judgment leads to anger. Let go of judgment.

Now the more profound reason why we permit external circumstance to affect our inner life, and by extension our relationship with others. We are egotistical and selfish. We lack faith, and we have always been taught to look to the outside for answers or into our intellect for answers. We are too externalized.

In other words, we look to the outside world for guidance. We look to the outside for support and comfort for our ego. And when we are not looking to others, we are looking into our intellect, hoping to dredge up some answer from there.

Where we should be looking is to intuition, what we ascertain wordlessly in the inner Light from God. But we avoid intuition, because having strayed from it, it now comes back as 20-20 hindsight. It feels like conscience, and it makes us feel bad. And as long as we don't want to be sorry and admit our mistakes, we avoid feeling bad and shun conscience.

Of course, that is what just about everyone else is doing to. Can you see the folly of looking to some expert for guidance: an expert who is a prideful intellectual and who is devoid of conscience because he or she avoids conscience too? It is truly a case of the blind leading the blind.

But as I said, it is not totally your fault. You could not help inheriting the nature that is prone to being prideful. Nor could you help believing what everyone told you to do: get an education, look to experts for knowledge, be ambitious, set goals, and so on. You may have had a suspicion that there was something wrong with the teachers, educators, professors and experts' advice, since most of their own personal lives ended in failure.

But you did not grasp intuition (your hunch about such things) firmly enough. In your natural pridefulness, you wanted to get what you could out of life, and you went down the garden path that everyone else said was the way to go.

Without true faith, how could you argue with the material possessions, seeming pleasure, and monetary benefits others were getting from working the system?

Yet, perhaps you suspected that all was not what it was cut out to be. You may also have seen examples of people who were industrious but not ambitious, who were principled and honorable and who succeeded without copping out, lying, cheating or tricking people.

Now it is not your fault that the culture in which you live does everything in its power to convince you that the answer to your problems is out there somewhere. We are told education is the answer, that knowledge is the answer. We are told that romantic "love" is the answer. We are always looking to some person to make us happy, cure us, or give us some secret to getting rich. We are told the a house, a car, a bank account is the answer. We are told that financial security is the answer.

No, I'm not suggesting that we should endeavor to be poor or at the end of our rope. What I am saying is that "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Advertisers, and particularly the chemical pharmaceutical companies, spend billions to convince you that the answer to your problems lies in a pill.

We are treated like sheep, like children, even worse. We are treated as if we were animals: just chemicals, hormones, and stimulus response animals. Read the whole article

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Begin by letting go of your resentments against others, beginning with those closest to you. Stop looking to the world for love and guidance. Stand back and observe. Listen to what people have to say without reacting emotionally for or against them. When you read, don't get absorbed. Instead scan lightly for clues.

Hello, my name is Dr. Roland Trujillo? and a few years ago I wrote the book on arguing in marriage. It was entitled My Husband and I Argue--Time Tested Truths for Healing Relationships. This classic book is still available (see one dollar special). I retitled it as Marriage Matters: Lessons from the past, Hope for the Future. My latest relationships book The Myths and Mysteries of Marriage is in the right sidebar to preview. But here is the good news? .? .? .? .? .?

I am convinced that arguing is not necessarily a bad thing. There was a great Hollywood movie starring Spencer Tracy and Kathryn Hepburn called Adam's Rib. They argued all the time, but they loved each other. But I am also convinced that what IS bad and harmful is arguing with resentment. It is the resentment (often masquerading in other forms, even illness) that is harmful and needs to be eliminated. So I look at these three things:

2. The second big issue is resentment. Resentment often masquerades as unhappiness, hurt feelings, moodiness, being repressed, depression and even anxiety. If you are resentful it is hurting your state of mind, your emotional well being, your kids, and even your health. 3. The third key is is the harm that negative emotions do--if you are angry underneath, it is hurting your state of mind, your emotional state, your spiritual well being, and ultimately your heath. It will also hurt your kids.

So it is quite clear that for your own good (and the good of your relationship), the first thing to focus on is the negative emotion. Regardless of what you are arguing about, whether or not he is right or wrong--first you must look at the negative emotions objectively, if for no other reason than to protect your well being. Then you will be able to protect your health, refind peace of mind, and improve your relationship.

If you are arguing in the wrong way, or if emotions are getting the better of you, then you need to read more. You've come to the right place if you are tired of bitterness or unhappiness, and you suspect that some physical symptoms might have a connection to the stress of arguing.

Upset, anger and hurt feelings are not good for peace of mind, and can actually ruin your health because of the stress toll they take.

Women tend to blame themselves when something is wrong with the relationship; but I have always said that it is almost always the man's fault. Men are generally either weak or violent--neither is good. Instead of blaming yourself, find out what is really going on between men and women.

Probably your emotions are out of control. But there is one emotion that you do have control over. Resentment. I would like to help you locate the resentment (often hidden or masquerading as some other symptom, even physical) and eliminate it from your life.

Without the anger, irritation, frustration and hurt feelings diminish, you can deal with what is happening with more composure (not bottling things up). Just think how good this would be for your body, your state of mind, your emotional health, your well being AND your relationship.

Read Roland's classic article: What is the Number One Cause of Divorce

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Source: http://commonsensecouples.blogspot.com/2012/12/marriage-and-finances-dont-let-money.html

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